if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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