The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You pole danced in your parka.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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