woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
