Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
