You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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