I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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