I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
