Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
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I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
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I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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