Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
