so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
