Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
