btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
