Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
