Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Can you bring me the toilet please
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
