1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
