Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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