then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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