I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Sober January is a disaster.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
