i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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