i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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