I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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