I think scott just propositioned me for sex
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
