Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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