what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
