bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I have aggressive nipples.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
