My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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