yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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