I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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