saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
