you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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