my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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