I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Sober January is a disaster.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
