1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
