I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
