don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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