dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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