I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
