i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize