sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
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He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
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There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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