I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
