I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
