i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
