I like my sex mixed with concussions.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
