Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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