I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
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eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
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Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
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