I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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