Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
