he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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