Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
