She went from zero to smokin in five shots
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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