dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
