i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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