I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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