I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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