I faked an abortion last night.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
