I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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