I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
