I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
