I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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